Tuesday, February 12, 2013

The Landlord Files

So. I kind of stalk my landlord.

Maybe not stalk, per se, but I consider myself very tuned in to his life.

Okay, maybe not "very tuned in" so much as I observe what I can and then make up stories about him.

This is normal, right?

We live in a two family house. He lives upstairs and I live downstairs. We both live alone. Like he's not making stories up about my life too.

For instance, when I first moved in he said he was hardly ever home because he stayed at his girlfriend's all the time.

This is false. He is ALWAYS HOME. And he NEVER MOVES. Like, he is the most sedentary person I've ever witnessed. I never hear him walking and he barely leaves the house. He used to go to work every morning (I think he does construction? He dresses like he does, anyway), but a few months ago he just kind of stopped.

So naturally I assume he lost his job and his girlfriend broke up with him. Which was sad. So I was all "Landlord, me too. Well, not the job, but we are both here alone. Should we like, party or something? I notice you recycle an awful lot of beer bottles. I'm always down for a drink. You wanna come down and watch the Bachelor Monday night?"

Okay, I didn't actually say any of that because despite the fact that we sort of live together, I never see him. And I wouldn't talk to him if I did. I'm afraid he'll ask where Ex-Boyfriend went and it will be A Situation. So I'm just hoping he's as dumb as I think he is and he hasn't noticed.

So for now I just observe and judge. I'm sure this is normal...right?


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