Monday, March 4, 2013

She Came In Through the Bathroom Window

So, I locked myself out of my apartment Saturday morning.

It was traumatic.

I had Mia (my mom's dog) over for a sleepover Friday night because it was her birthday. Jamie, our best friend (and human), came over on Friday night for some pizza and dranks. So Mia was psyched and that was her birthday gift from me.

Saturday morning I woke up and needed to do laundry. My apartment has a back door, which is the one I regularly use, and a front door, which leads to the front hall and only gets used when I'm doing laundry. The back door has a lock on the door knob and a deadbolt lock. The front door just has a deadbolt lock.

I grabbed the laundry and headed for the front door. Mia tried to follow me, but the basement is really not even safe for humans so my precious puppy definitely is not allowed down there. "Stay here!" I told her, and closed the front door.

I closed the front door.

The deadbolt clicked into place. Shit.

I turned the handle, hoping that by some miracle it didn't catch and lock. No such luck. Okay, can't get back in that way. I went down and put the laundry in. What else was I supposed to do? These towels weren't gonna wash themselves. I figured I could get outside from the basement and just use the spare key I keep hidden to get in through the backdoor. I was in my pajamas, but this would be super sneaky and no one would see me.

Then I remembered that I lock the deadbolt on the back door at night. Dammit. If only I wasn't afraid of someone breaking in and killing me in my sleep! I hoped that maybe I'd forgotten to lock the deadbolt the night before, just maybe. So I went to open the bulkhead that opens into the backyard. Nope. It was either super stuck or locked from the outside. My only other option was the front door. That opens directly on to a busy street.

I am wearing boxer shorts and a tshirt and it's March in New England. I dug a trench coat out of storage so now I look like I'm naked except for a trench coat and slippers, and I head out the front door and hustle around to the back and get my spare key.

But sure enough, the deadbolt is locked. I start to whimper to myself as Mia barks on the other side of the door.

"Lassie! Unlock the door Lassie!" I called inside. Silence. Then the pitter-patter of paws walking away from the door.


I am completely locked out with no hope of getting inside. Landlord is away for the weekend (or at least I assumed, since he hadn't been home in a day or so) and Frank Next Door wasn't home either. That ends the list of neighbors I've spoken to. I wanted to cry.

I had no choice but to try and break in. There's a window on the porch which I obviously keep locked to keep out those killers I worry about. I contemplated breaking the window to unlock it but then decided I'd better look for other options first.

I settled on the bathroom window, because it just so happened to already have a missing pane so I could reach through and unlock it, and it also happened to have a pile of wood under it that I could put a deck chair on top of and climb up to the window.

So, my apartment is totally killer-proof.

I climbed up my makeshift ladder and shoved that damn window open and me and my trench coat and boxer shorts flashed everyone driving by at that moment as I heaved myself through the window.

I was in!

I hurried to find poor Mia, who I was sure would be a nervous wreck. I knew I was shaken up and traumatized and so happy I managed to MacGyver my way back into my apartment.

She was sitting in the living room with her toy, happy as a clam. She looked up at me as if to say "Oh hey, you're back! That's nice."



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