Thursday, August 5, 2010

mommie dearest

This post is brought to you by request of a dear friend (hi Matt!). Most of my friends get a kick out of my mother and all the stories I tell about her. Why hasn't she been the star of her own "Things My Mother Does" column? Well, simply put, she won't allow it. When I told her that I may someday run out of topics for 'Things My Boyfriend Does" she said right away "Well, you're not writing about me!" She knows I love to talk about her. I'm just trying to be an adoring daughter, sheesh!

Well guess what Mom? I am disobeying you. Today's post is all about YOU (this also serves as a test to see if she even reads my blog). I'm just going to start with something everyone who has met my mother knows about her:

My Mother is Loud

Quite frankly, I could leave the entire story at that. My mother has never done anything quietly in my life. She's a bit hard of hearing, in one ear in particular, so she is constantly saying "WHAT?! YOU'RE ON MY BAD SIDE." Because obviously screaming back at a person you can't hear will fix the problem. Better yet, she'll just smile and nod and look glazed over, which is a clear sign she knows you're speaking, because she can see your mouth moving, but has not heard you. The very best is when you are not in her direct line of vision but you're trying to get her attention and you've called her name about fifty times, then finally resort to screaming "MOTHER!" and she gets startled. My brother excels at this approach.

Anyway, probably due to the fact that she can't hear, my mother speaks much louder than necessary. Especially when she's over-excited or talking with my equally loud aunt. It's an issue in our family that we all talk at the same time. We have an ability to carry on multiple conversations with multiple people at once, everyone talking over one another. Outsiders find this odd and stress-inducing. So when my mother and aunt get together, it's often just a screaming match. Mom's sneezes are earth-shakingly loud. Her laugh can be heard for miles. She turns the TV volume up to glass-shattering decibels. She's been known to wake up in the middle of the night, unable to sleep, and start vacuuming, with no regard whatsoever as to how much noise a vacuum makes. 

Mother's loudness is most often noticed when she's on the phone or ordering at a drive through. I'm not sure she has quite grasped the wonders of modern technology. She answers the phone and it's as if she is trying to make her voice carry directly to wherever the person is located, rather than letting the phone do the work: "HELLO!?" She has a special land-line phone for deaf people that lets her turn the volume up as loud as she wants, so you can hear both ends of all her phone conversations as if the other person was in the room with you.

Cell phones are even worse. She can't do much about the volume on her cell phone, so she thinks that because she can't hear the person on the other end of the line, they can't possibly hear her. Screeching ensues. Her newest car is Bluetooth enabled, which means she is often seen just screaming into the dashboard as my aunt's voice reverberates through the speakers. It makes for very pleasant road trips, let me tell you. It's especially good when she pulls up to a drive through and appears as though she's talking to herself. 

Drive throughs are another issue with her. She's actually been reprimanded by a Dunkin' Donuts employee for shouting into the order speaker. So, if a sand colored SUV with a woman simultaneously sneezing, screaming into her car dashboard, and ordering a "MEDIUM ICED COFFEE WITH JUST ONE SPLENDA" (and, usually at the last second, "FOUR POWDERED MUNCHKINS!") is in line in front of you at Dunks, give her a honk. She probably won't hear it, but that's my Mom.

Hi Mom! Who you talkin' to so loud?


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