Monday, August 30, 2010

my appliances are out to get me

I have come to the conclusion today that my appliances have all joined forces to make me completely lose my mind.

I think the incident(s) that started all this is the power going out. The power has gone out about five times in the last month. After around power outage two (what can I say Boyfriend and I are lazy) we stopped fixing the clocks. The clock on Oven, Microwave, and on the TV stand have been blinking for weeks. The only clocks with the correct time are the old-school battery operated ones, and the one on the cable box. My alarm clock has never been the right time, since I always set it eight minutes ahead. Though it isn't blinking.

Though, now that I think back, maybe Oven orchestrated this whole thing. Have you ever heard of an Oven taking a half hour to preheat to 350 degrees? I haven't. The Oven at Mom's takes four minutes. FOUR MINUTES. It has a preheat timer. My oven takes thirty minutes. THIRTY MINUTES. I have to plan when I want to cook dinner, then add thirty minutes for a pre-heating allowance. Not cool.

Microwave was next to join this mutiny. I hardly ever use Microwave, but when I do I am always annoyed. I put something in Microwave this afternoon and when it was done, Microwave beeped. "Thanks Microwave, I'll be right there. See, I'm spending time with Washer and Dryer right now and my hands are full of sopping wet towels." Microwave has jealousy issues. A minute later it was beeping again. "OKAY Microwave, I hear you. I am aware I put food in you, I will not forget it." I continue with my laundry. A minute later, Microwave beeps again, I swear more obnoxiously than before. Disgruntled, I drop the last of the laundry into Dryer and slam the door. I turn the dial to MORE DRY (more dry than what? I have always wondered. More dry than wet? Well yes please, that's your job!). Nothing happens. I wiggle the knob just so and hit START again. Dryer reluctantly turns on. My appliances are lazier than me. Meanwhile, Microwave has become beside itself and is beeping even more annoyingly. I march to the kitchen, "All right! Enough!" I forcefully press the CLEAR button on Microwave. Take that, you ungrateful plastic box. I remove the food and eat it. Mmm mac n' cheesy.

Oh and I'm sure I mentioned at some point that Dishwasher also hates me? Yep, Dishwasher has never cleaned a dish in the eleven months we've lived here. Not because we're not making it, oh no. Just because. The maintenance people are on the Appliance Team as well. I called them to take a look at Dishwasher who doesn't wash and Sink, who doesn't drain. He deemed them both perfectly fine, poked at the sink a bit, and told me to buy Jet Dry. Gee thanks. Sink still doesn't drain, and Dishwasher still doesn't wash (even with the Jet Dry).

The big appliances are clearly ruling the roost around here. The only two that don't seemed to have completely succumbed to their threats are Washer and Dryer, my faithful pals. It could be because they are too far away (all the way in the bathroom!) for Oven and Dishwasher to get their message to them. More likely, Washer and Dryer are too busy doing all of Boyfriend's laundry (more about that on Thursday) to listen to any nonsense from those awful kitchen appliances.

The Kitchen Gang has, however, convinced my computer and all battery operated items to go againt my wishes. Firefox has been giving me a hard time all weekend (I am still too stubborn to convert to Safari, though Firefox is getting on my last nerve). The batteries in my mouse have died TWICE in the past two weeks. Same deal with the Wii-mote. And all my re-chargeable batteries have gone mysteriously missing. I had a whole set of them and can't find them anywhere. They're not in anything either. Very suspicious.

Well I went out and bought a big pack of new batteries today, so bring it on Mouse. And see if I ever cook with either of you again, Oven and Microwave! Your clocks can stay blinking for all I care. The whole thing is really making me crazy. I threw a fit the other day and told Boyfriend we were going back to the olden days and we would no longer be using electricity. I made him turn off the TV and the lights and told him to light candles and get out the playing cards. He looked at me for a moment, then said "I bet you don't make it fifteen minutes before you run to your computer." Yeah well he was wrong. I only made it ten.


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